All relationships must have a fulcrum,a centre from which they ebb and flow but must always return, mine seems adrift. I love a man, but I don't know where and when things are going to get better, we seem to only be getting by.
While I did not grow up wanting to be a princess and live in a castle, I knew the struggles of my own parents through overheard conversations. My earliest nightmares were about running out of money, I could not count but I knew what being poor meant and it scared the life outta me.
So here I am looking at 35 this year and I'm broke, he's broke, we are always broke. Being broke will break a relationship, being broke means no nights out, no days out, no holidays. Despite my best efforts to compartmentalise those things into the 'frivolities' section of my brain, they give you something to look forward to. I cannot look forward to 5 years from now.
I am adrift, in the three years that we have built together never once has he had disposable income, working 40 hours in retail a week and never had enough to buy clothes, join gym or bring me out. Being honest, hardworking and nice really does seem to bring you in last. I sound deeply unliberated when I mention him taking me out, but handing over your money for your man to get you a drink at the bar is humiliating, for him.
Broke is not a fun place, broke is not charming or character building or noble, broke is breaking me.
Being broke could break you. You're right- that "money isnt everything" line makes no sense. 34 is still young.
ReplyDeleteStrip away all your expenditures, trappings, life layers, things you have built around you whether they are habits, preconceptions or possessions.
Look at your full inventory very critically.You will see where the costs are and then figure which ones you resent or which ones you dont really need. Which costs are value for money, which are totally vital to your raison detre.
Wheres the baggage ? emotional cost, time cost, financial cost- what things are just too expensive.
Use a big sheet on a kitchen table if you need to , to help you move things from one place to another.
Keeper ? Loser?
When you do this all bets are off.
When you do a personal inventory like tis it must mean that nothing is taken for granted. None of the walls you have built for yourself will necessarily remain standing.
It might mean you decide to walk away from a mortgage,throw back the keys, whatever, to emigrate, to move, whatever.
34 is the time to be making your life happen for yourself. You dont have the right to be selfish but you have the right to be fulfilled.
We have scraped the very marrow from the bone, no bin, no trips, no cash in wallet, paying off the loans that got us through other years, have 13 yr old son in school, I'm in final year in UL so getting out is not an option, house is still cheaper than anything we could rent. I am just having a cup half empty day, it's sometimes difficult to see through the fog.
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